THE SHOE PROBLEM

"I have to tell you about the shoe problem."

"What's the shoe problem?"

"I have this pair of shoes, they're black with some red and a splash of white, and this pair of shoes is MY pair of shoes, my ideal shoe, and they're special shoes because they'll never wear out, their color won't ever fade, they'll never need to be replaced--"

"So then what's the problem with these shoes?"

"This is the shoe problem:

As of last week, I'm having trouble locating the left shoe, 'having trouble' meaning I can't find it, it's lost. I ransack my house, I check everywhere: under the bed, in the couch cushions, the attic, the closets, the bathtub, everywhere. So I go online but can't find it, I go on ebay but there's nothing, I even search for it on google, I type in 'MATCHING LEFT SHOE' but the search-result has 0 results, the search-result says "did you mean 'FACT SHE LEFT YOU'" and I say no that's not what I meant, well maybe I did, but nah, no that's not exactly what I meant, and oh nevermind what was I thinking, you're just a machine what would you know anyway. So I go to the mall to all of the various shoe stores and none of them have this particular pair of shoes, these black shoes with some red and a splash of white. But the salespeople in the stores show me other shoes, they give me alternatives -- they show me shoes that are very very similar to MY shoe but still not quite the same. Same laces, same style but the sole is different. Same color, but the tongue is cut a little bit differently, same material but the width isn't the same. And some of these shoes the salespeople show me have such subtle differences that hardly anyone probably no one would notice, would be able to recognize that I'm wearing two different shoes. For a split second, I consider purchasing these shoes to wear the left one with the right one, my favorite one, that I already own. I mean, these alternate, resemblant shoes fit perfectly, the left shoe fits perfectly, and you really can't discern the difference, and I'm trying them on and walking around the store to test their comfort, and they feel good, they feel very good, and it's true, if you look in the foot-mirror, you really can't notice the difference. But I can. I mean I barely can, in fact I almost can't, my eyes almost can't recognize the difference, but I know they're two different shoes, I know this left shoe isn't the same, isn't right, isn't the right shoe's match, and because I know this because I know they're different, they kind of then, yeah, they do appear different and yeah they actually even feel different. So I tell the salesperson "Hey thanks, hey thanks a bunch, thanks but no thanks, thanks for your time and help and effort and thanks, thanks for that, thanks for lacing up these shoes for me so I was able to try them on, thanks but I'm gonna pass."  And this happens and continues to happen in eachandevery store I go to, and I reach the point where, despite the multitudes of shoe stores, they're all essentially the same store which has convinced me that none of the shoe stores in the whole world carry the left shoe the other matching shoe, and I decide to say "Fuck it" but not "Fuck it, I'll buy the most resemblant shoe" but actually "Fuck it, I'd rather walk around with only 1 shoe than walk around with 2 shoes, always knowing that that left shoe, that second shoe isn't the real matching shoe, always knowing that although I can't find the original left shoe and never will, that it still does exist somewhere in space."

xoxo