Recently, I applied for a job in which I was told to write a biography to the company's president, I suppose so that she could get a feel for who I really am.
I loathe bios. Not all bios, but most of them. Because most of them are unwarranted, pompous, cliche, and utterly boring. Unless you're a significant person in history, what can you say about yourself that will captivate me enough that I'll want to read a page about where you grew up, who your parents are, and what pastimes you enjoy? What do you bring to the table? I mean, really. (Does anyone else see the irony in all of this?)
There were several times throughout my academic life when I had to write some version of a biography, and I obliged because it was school and I was paying to be there and I could have fun with it. But never did I imagine that 'the real world' (i.e. a company) would ever request a bio from me.
Digging through some files, I found what I wrote, regarding bios, in college and grad school:
How does a mere block of words build a pedestal on which an artist stands? For some reason, there’s a need to list the artist’s details and accolades that are intended to impress you, the reader and audience. Perhaps this is its bipurpose: to merit the accomplished while waving said accomplished’s credentials in your face in a ploy to garner your attention. Musicians and bands always have biographies that extend way beyond detailing origins. They’ll tell how many shows they’ve played, how many records they’ve sold, how infectious their tunes are, how, without them, you would lose your mind searching for entertainment, and how, since their formation, “they’ve never looked back!” Similarly, an author’s achievements provide his/her education, list of works, and the plethora of awards received; else, how would you know what a great writer he or she is? Not to diminish anyone’s feats, but biographies create a distortion that make the artist appear much more enticing (i.e. qualified, talented, etc) than he/she actually is. This produces a two-fold effect: 1) it raises your expectations of the band you’re about to hear or the author you’re about to read so high that once you’ve read/listened to the crap that just infiltrated your ears and eyes, you’re thoroughly disappointed; or 2) you think what you just heard/read is crap, so you go back, re-read and re-listen, because you think you’ve ignorantly missed something that everyone else is getting, since there’s nothing so atrocious that could possibly warrant all of this praise. Quite often, biographies seem pretty vain. Perhaps I’m just too shy or modest. Or perhaps the idea of a biography in and of itself is vain – that one’s life is interesting enough to not only detail it, but to also expect people to read it and be entertained by it seems a bit narcissistic – and perhaps that’s just part of who we are.
Which was ensued by this:
To this day the birthplace and date of Ed Curtis remains a mystery. Supposedly, he was born of intergalactic intercourse between two distant planets, Fliedex and Nawsover. He’s claimed to have been marooned on an island where he raised himself by adapting to his surroundings and epitomizing the term, survival. The notion that a child could make do, abandoned on an island, is outrageous. But with a little luck and a lot of precociousness, anything is possible. Learning life and social skills from primates, such as eating, peeing, and combing hair, he managed to grow steadily and healthily. Eventually, a brigade of pirates found him, and upon meeting humans, Ed Curtis chose to leave with them because there was no possible way he could return to conversations with wild boars, wolves, and chimpanzees, especially after acquiring Pirate jargon. The goodbye between him and the primates was an emotional one which is illustrated in his memoir, There’s Nothing Wrong With Flinging Poo.
Several years later, Ed Curtis studied at Oxford, Harvard, Brown, and Iowa where he quadruple-majored in Writing, Psychology, Quantum Physics, and Extraterrestrialology. His distinguished contributions include – but are not limited to – discovering the vaccine for world peace, full comprehension of the female brain (he stated he needn’t waste time with the male brain for there’s nothing to figure out), and invention of the first time machine. He also definitively sighted Loch Ness Monster, shook hands with Sasquatch, and even smoked weed with an alien, which he relives in his book, See, I Told You All Along We Weren’t Alone. Here’s a memorable excerpt:
"Damn, earthling…that’s some good shit!"
By his early twenties, he was one of the wealthiest persons in the world and was the number one seller on every list known to man. He’s said to be one of the most influential people in the history of Western Civilization – no, make that, the most influential person ever, even more so than Jesus Christ. He can’t walk to the end of his driveway to check his mail without fanatics swarming him for autographs and pictures, which is why he currently (so it is thought) has returned to his roots, living on an island in Fiji with his beautiful significant other, where he grows his own tobacco and has the best tan you’ve ever seen.
Or maybe…
Ed Curtis is a guy who has lived as a moral human being and writes to express himself. Read his stuff if you feel like it.
While it's a tad risky to send to a potential employer, I still thought it conveyed my beliefs and personality. So I decided to tinker with it and use its foundation as my bio to the company:
This is my Bio per your request. I've also attached my resume.
I've never been one for writing Biographies. I understand their purpose, especially in this situation, but I'm of the opinion that unless you've done something pretty significant, there's really not much to say that would captivate anyone. I supposed I could tell you about the time I broke my arm when I was six years old. Or the time my older sisters were kicked out of the house. Or my first girlfriend. But they would pale in comparison to my greater accomplishments, like when I sighted the Loch Ness monster, shook hands with Sasquatch, and played chess with an alien -- not to mention, my discovery of the cure to violence and consequent implementation of permanent world peace; complete understanding of the female brain; and invention of the first time machine. But yeah, I don't really want to toot my own horn.
I've lived all over the place. I grew up in New Jersey, then went to college in North Carolina where I chose the lucrative major of Creative Writing. After that, I moved to Brooklyn while I went for an even more lucrative degree at The New School -- a Master's in Poetry. Now I've come full circle, back in New Jersey, jobless, a Master of everything and nothing, with a 63 page manuscript as the only thing keeping me afloat. I've been writing it for almost three years, and I'm still tinkering with the placement of commas. I'm actually fairly confident it will be published in one form or another (by that I mean, I'm experimenting with transforming it into a multimedia collection). In the meantime, I'm looking to work, and when I came across *******, I thought it would be the perfect environment for someone like me, mainly because I'm going through what your clients are going through -- trying to get published. But before I go any further, I just want to give you a quick rundown of my likes:
* I don't like long walks on the beach, although I like the beach itself, but more so just laying there and sometimes swimming.
* I like to write and read and explore all types of art.
* I like sports, football being my favorite. It's interesting,because I haven't met many poets/artists who are sports fanatics. I haven't quite figured out why. In my opinion, sports are the only pure form of reality TV that exists; it's the only thing that isn't scripted, and that's exciting.
* I like people who are down-to-earth.
* I dislike obnoxiously loud cars.
* I like music, although I'm stubbornly picky. My favorites are Led Zeppelin, The Doors, Incubus, The Mars Volta, Pink Floyd, YES, Rush, and The Sound of Animals Fighting.
* I like telling and listening to people tell stories.
* I like nerds because I am one.
Lately I've been torn between pursuing a career in teaching and a career in the publishing industry. I've often envisioned myself conducting a college level workshop, but I don't think this is the time for it. Since I have publishing and editorial experience, I want to stick with that; especially while I continue polishing my manuscript. I also have some other things in the works, for instance, I'm planning to host an Art show in Hoboken near the end of August, which will feature music, readings, painting, dancing, and refreshments. And laser-lights.
Bottom line is, I know what I want right now. I want to work for *******. Hopefully, this Bio gave you a glimpse of my personality. I like to joke around, but I also know when to take things seriously; I do my work professionally and meticulously (probably because my dad is anal retentive, and it rubbed off on me), and when I enjoy what I do, I'm that much better at it.
I hope you were entertained while reading this as much as I was while writing it. Thank you for your time, and I look forward speaking with you.
Best Regards,
Ed Curtis
They actually responded, and I set up an interview with them next week.
As for now, I need to shower because I feel dirty after coaxing you to read my biography. Shame on me.
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